“Man Colds” and “Near Death Experiences”

If you read my previous post, you know The Lawyer and I had quite the stressful weekend a few weeks ago. What I didn’t tell you in that post is that there is more to the broader story.

There’s always more.

Because apparently I need a few more gray hairs.

This vein of the story started right after The Lawyer got over his Man Cold. Within a day or so my kid got the Man Cold.

Lord help.

Now, if you recall, the kid doesn’t live with us any more because he isn’t a kid any more and needed to be out of our house so we can walk around in whatever level of undress we so desire. And that’s all I’ll say about that. I knew he had the Man Cold, but didn’t know just how close to seeing eternity he was. Or, should I say, “he thought he was.”

While The Lawyer and I were doing our prescribed hangout at the hospital on Sunday afternoon of the weekend in The Big House,  the kid called. It went something like this:

“Mom, I’m dying.”

“Boy, you’re not dying. I’ll tell you when you’re dying, and this ain’t it. What’s wrong?”

“The sinus pressure is killing me. It’s never been this bad. My face and cheeks and head and eyes hurt so badly.”

“Well, have you taken any sinus medicine?”

“No. I ran out a day-and-a-half ago.”

“Boy, I’ma beat your butt. Don’t EVER run out of those!!.!.!.!.”

“I’ve been too sick to go get them “

“Have you had fever?”

“No.”

“Nausea, vomiting, or otherwise?”

“No.”

“Dizziness, feeling faint, or dehydration symptoms?”

“No.”

“Boy, you just need some sinus medicine. Go get some.”

“I don’t think I can. I feel too badly.”

And at this point I knew he wasn’t going to die, but I sure wanted to smack him half to death.

“You need to get some medicine and drink plenty of fluids.”

“This is the absolute worst pressure I’ve ever had in my head. I can’t take it. Oh, and mom, my ear is bleeding.”

Stop. The. Presses.

“I’m sorry, what did you say???”

“My ear is bleeding.”

“I’m on my way.”

Lest you all forget, I’m sitting in the hospital with my husband. Now the kid is in a bad way. Anybody else wanna jump on the wagon? Because apparently I can handle your illness in that same weekend, too.

If he lived out of town, I’d phone a friend and have them go check on him, but he’s here in town with me and he doesn’t have a wife to handle him, so it’s me. And look, I’ve heard it from plenty of people, “you shouldn’t rush over, you should let him figure it out, you should have made him go do it himself, blah, blah, blah.” But when someone says “worst pressure ever” and “ear bleeding” all in one sentence, it warrants a check-on from Mom. You’d have done it, too.

So I tucked The Lawyer into his hospital bed, kissed him on the forehead, made sure he had the remote control to the TV playing sleeping weather, and headed to the house to grab my otoscope and a couple things I needed for later at the hospital. Got to the house and gathered things – everything but the one thing I really needed – the otoscope.

When the kid was just a wittle thing, he had horrible sinuses and ear infections and all sorts of upper body mess, and his amazing pediatrician kinda got weary of us being in her office. So we came to a compromise. She’d teach me how to use an otoscope and I’d just call and report in and she’d prescribe whatever was needed. Worked like a charm for all of us. (He eventually grew out of the syndrome he had and we didn’t need the otoscope any more. Which might explain the following- )

So I tore my house apart looking for the otoscope I would’ve sworn I still had but hadn’t used in probably 20 years, and came up with nothing.

Dang it.

Well, I’m headed to the CVS anyway for sinus meds, guess I’ll grab a scope while I’m there.

Headed to the medical equipment aisle and found all kinds of really fun stuff, but no standard otoscope. But what they did have was a new-fangled digital wifi your-phone-takes-pictures otoscope that was reasonably priced. So that’s what we got. Yay me. I love stuff like this.

So I got to the kid’s place and immediately threw a couple sinus pills down his hatch and began to figure out this most amazing new tool I have.

I was completely in my most geek existence ever.

His eardrum looked fine and not infected or ruptured or anything. (??) But there was blood and no visible source. (!) We were perplexed. But I have friends in high places. So I put in a call to one of my lifelong girlfriends who just happens to be a family practice MD, texted her a few photos, and got the same diagnosis from her that I’d already made.

Hhmmmmm

So it boiled down to treating the symptoms and go to urgent care if the bleeding doesn’t stop. Easy peasy.

At this point the kid is moaning less and slightly more bright-eyed, then looks up at me and says, “whoa, I suddenly feel so much better! The pressure has relieved! Can I get a haircut?”

Y’all.

I was somewhere between happy he wasn’t going to hemorrhage from an ear bleed, and wanting to smack him into eternity myself.

I chose happiness.

Usually works out better that way.

So we packed up and headed to the salon for a cut, because who doesn’t go from near-death experience to tight fade within twenty minutes?

Got all done there and headed back to the hospital, but not before giving the kid the COMPLETE lecture on NEVER RUNNING OUT OF SINUS MEDICIE EVER AGAIN.

Praying he heard me this time.

And praying the two of them don’t do this again on the same weekend…..

~~~~~

p.s. the ear bleed was probably just a little bursted blood vessel from all the pressure. Cleared up by the next morning. And that’s a WHOLE other story.

p.p.s. here’s the best part of the story – the video he posted. I’m still laughing 😂

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTBhr8QM8/