That Thin Edge

have you ever laughed and cried at the same time?

I mean really laughed and cried at the same time?

The first time in my adult life that I recall having this sensation was when my brother-in-law, John, was dying.  really dying.  My mom, sister, and I were in the bedroom with him; he was sleeping. We were talking about our day and trying to ease the funk in the air.

Well, just so you know, John hated, and I mean HATED cooked okra. So as it happened, I stopped at the grocery to get food on the way to the house that day.

The deli had cooked okra.

I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Well, I refrained from actually buying the okra, but I just had to tell my mom and sister about it. Cooked okra had been a long-running joke in the years John had been around. We started laughing. Hysterically. Part nerves, part true hilarity because John would have thought it was funny – had he actually been awake.  which made it all the funnier.  and he would have though that was funny.

And that’s the moment I broke.

I was laughing and crying at the same time. Hysterically laughing, hysterically crying. Completely doing both. Completely feeling the depth and gravity of both emotions. Completely full and completely emptying out at the same moment in time. And because the laughter came first, it was totally different.  Different than being in tears, and then someone making you laugh to help you feel better, which generally stops the tears. This was entirely, completely, indescribably different.

It is an odd physical sensation, an odd emotional sensation, and a deep soul sensation. I can say it’s only happened twice in my adult life. And I can’t even remember what prompted the second episode, I just remember that it happened.

My point in all this? I’m not sure. Other than

the healing that comes to my soul when this happens is beyond words.

I cannot create it. Cannot make it happen. Cannot orchestrate it. It is from deep within.

That thin edge; the edge of emotions. That’s where I am. The edge of being completely wrecked, and enjoying it, because one knows the healing is coming and it is the Spirit of God who has taken me there. Who has wrecked my very being. Who has taken me far from the person I used to be, yet nowhere near the person I will become. Who is, I pray, softening my heart, bringing the tears and changing me. Really changing me.

I hope I survive. I really hope I survive.

I am not as crazy as this makes me sound. I am emotional. And that is a new place for me.